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2003-07-31 - 10:54 p.m.

Diaryland Entry #10: But I'm Not Dead Yet

My car may be dead and my old way of life may be dead, but I'm not dead yet. Actually, my new way of life is quite enlivening, almost liberating.

The last two days have been invigorating. Walking everywhere, a few miles each day, have put the spark back into my life. I wake up with a little more energy each day. My recovery from the accident is accellerating at a pace that seems to be faster than even my friends expected. I have missed my car only in those instances when errands out of walking-reach necessitated and I had to ask for a favor from a friend or my somewhat distant spouse.

I find myself stopping in to small storefront shops that I never gave a moment's notice before the accident. Changing my bank, grocery, coffeeshop, drycleaner, and Jamba Juice location have been on the agenda this week.

One big change is giving up Kosovo. I thought it would be much more difficult, but it has not. It had to be done. It is out of walking range for the school year. I simply wouldn't get there enough without using taxis all of the time and taxis or walking would not have been viable options late at night. So I found a new loft five blocks from home that is quite nice. My friend Vince has dubbed it "Cambridge" for some ridiculous reason. I think that he is much more enamored with the surroundings and "approves" of it. Not that I care one whit. I simply find his need to name my "home away from home" interesting. It is his way of staying in denial against the idea that it might be an escape from my home.

My hope for the new space is that I am comfortable there and use it as much or more than Kosovo. The big move begins this weekend. I've already begun packing. It is truly exciting.

I will miss Kosovo--it was my first room of my own and I look upon it with special fondness. This second space is a step up and a bit luxurious (complete with closet doors, carpeting and two amazing arched windows from the turn of the century) yet it seems to suit my personality a little better. It is softer around the edges and may help me soften the edges of my personality, too. I don't seem to be trying to be something I'm not there. It is an easier fit. Smoother. Subtler. More understated.

So my new journey begins. My new, more pedestrian in the literal sense (active sense), life begins. I'm getting in better shape. Vacation is coming. A week with my mother in South Carolina begins in one week. Frightening and challenging as it is, I look upon it with warmth. We haven't spent a week together alone for years. It may be a disaster, but at least we'll try.

I'm no longer dead inside. I'm not dead outside either. I have the emotional resources to do this, I think. I can walk, talk, negotiate, spend time with others, including insane people like my mother, and I can spend time alone.

All in all, I am moving toward a much better place. I am getting better and happier. Amazing how it sometimes takes a big bump in the road to put it all in perspective--sometimes quite literally.

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